I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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