Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
