also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
