The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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