I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
How's work?
Spinning.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
