So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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