3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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