eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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