I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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