apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
