tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
