talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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