Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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