he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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