so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
