god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
