Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
