Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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