I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
