My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
