you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
