I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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