Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Randomize
