At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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