So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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