Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
