The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
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What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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