Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
