I got chris browned last night
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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