if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Let's get the cat blown out
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.