i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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