I can text with my tongue
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
