Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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