You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
