I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
