Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
