Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
