my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
