I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
