my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
