If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize