Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
