EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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