when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
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Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
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I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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