you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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