You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!