Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
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Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
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My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.