DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
