That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
