eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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