Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize