If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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