Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
