I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
