if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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