we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
